Before you click away from this post, let me tell you:
I KNOW you’re not a bitch. I’m not, either.
However, you might want to be after reading this book. You see, the author describes a bitch as a kind, confident and sassy lady ~ who’s got boundaries and isn’t afraid to use them! Heehee!
I’ll share with you a story about a dating situation in which I went from doormat to dreamgirl ~ after reading some of the tips in this book!
If you’d like to order a copy, simply click below:
Are you or have you ever been in a relationship with an addict, My Darling? I have.
I would have never chosen to date an addict, and I didn’t even realize it at first. He hid it very well. Once I discovered the truth, it was too late for my heart. I already had feelings for him.
It’s a tough road to follow. I remember what it’s like to beg and plead for them to stop ~ to make a change ~ FINALLY ~ for the better.
I know what it’s like to be disappointed ~ again and again ~ when they try to “do the right thing” and fail.
So it is with breakups and addiction. Whether you’re married to or dating an addict, there is an extra element of pain added to the end of the relationship.
Sometimes, you just want to physically shake them and say, “Why are you throwing your life away?”
If you don’t give an ultimatum, you can become trapped in a place of cautious hope for weeks, months ~ even years.
You hope they’re going to really kick it this time. They said all the right things. They really seemed sincere this time.
Only they weren’t…again.
So you find yourself at the end of the relationship, for whatever reason, and what do you do?
This is what I did:
1. Stopped blaming myself. Yes, I could have done some things differently. Would it have made a real difference? If I was honest with myself ~ the answer is a big fat NO. In reality, I had no control over this person and their behavior. I tried to help. I failed.
There came a time when I gave myself credit for trying to find solutions to his problem. I knew that I had exhausted all the opportunities I could think of to help him change. That gave me peace.
2. Let myself feel relief of stress. If you’ve ever been in a relationship with an addict, there’s typically a certain level of just daily, underneath-it-all stress.
You don’t even realize it until it’s not there anymore. I started to feel a bit lighter and happier right away. I relished that sense of relief. I relaxed more. It felt good.
3. Put the responsibility where it belonged. At first, I found myself looking back at our relationship and seeing him through rose-colored glasses ~ well, he wasn’t THAT bad. He had a job. He wasn’t abusive in any way. He paid his bills.
But at the end of the day, he made choices about his life that were completely his. It helped me to stand back and give him the responsibility of those choices rather than making it the “addiction’s” responsibility.
Making it the addiction’s responsibility, I could give his behavior every excuse in the book. Doing that didn’t help me or him.
4. Chose what I would tolerate. I realized I was too good for false promises. I had this whole wonderful life ahead of me. I knew if I stayed with him that I would become stagnant too. That wasn’t what I wanted for me.
He made the choice to remain the same. I made the choice to grow and thrive.
5. Forgave him. I know what you’re thinking ~ are you nuts, Laura? Forgive him? But I did it. It was wonderful gift of freedom that I gave myself ~ and ultimately him. I smile now thinking about it. If it feels impossible, click here to read my blog on forgiveness. It’s a beautiful thing.
Ladies, this is a very delicate subject. Everyone that’s been involved with an addict has a different story but I think we all share the same pain.
I know and understand from my experience that you CAN come out on the other side stronger than you ever thought. I believe in you!
First of all ~ yes ~ I did get a haircut! (If you’ve watched my videos in the past, you know it’s a BIG change.)
Click on the image above to watch and learn the best ways to bring out your inner and outer beauty.
After all, you’re the only one that can give yourself that gift.
If there’s a button here, it means that there’s still opportunities available to schedule your complimentary 20-Minute Breakthrough to Groovy call!
It happens. It’s your first holiday with your newly “single” status. You may be feeling a bit sad. You might even think ~ why bother? OR you could be pissed that all your plans have changed. Holidays and breakups can be a bummer.
However, they don’t have to be, Ms. Amazing! What if you made a choice to have a fabulous first holiday with your bad self? It can be easier than you think if you keep a few things in mind and plan ahead.
Here are a few tips for surviving with sass!
1. Plan your day. This is of the utmost importance. Why? If we don’t have a schedule to look forward to, it’s easier to go down the path to a pity party for one. You’re way too spectacular for an ugly cry on a national holiday so make a plan and stick to it. Maybe you’ll have coffee with a friend in the morning or take a brisk walk. In the afternoon, you could catch that movie you’ve had your eye on or your pal’s picnic. The evening (especially on July 4th) could be spent watching fireworks or treating yourself to a great meal and a “spa night” for one. There are loads of options and people WANT to include you so let them. Choose whatever will fill your cup and put it on the calendar and mean it.
2. Begin new rituals. Yes, you may have a standing annual picnic/party at your ex-in-laws’ house each year complete with HIS entire family. It was fun. You could depend on it and you did it EVERY year. Guess what, Sassy? It’s time to make some new rituals for yourself. You’re on a new and different journey now. You have the power to create new and wonderful memories. Isn’t that awesome? Go forward in the direction that feels right.
3. Have some frickin’ fun! This is a HOLIDAY. Holidays usually have a little something called c-e-l-e-b-r-a-t-i-o-n attached to them. Moping is not allowed. So what are you waiting for, Gorgeous? Celebrate! Whoop it up! It’s okay to laugh ~ even if you’re a little down about the end of a relationship. Focus on fun and guess what? You’ll have more FUN! Love that!
4. Be grateful. If you take a moment to look around at your life right now, you will undoubtedly find people/things to be grateful for. After your holiday is over, it’s a great little exercise to replay the day in your head, right before you go to sleep, and think of all the things that went right and that brought you joy and that you’re thankful for. Trust me, there will be a sweet smile on your beautiful face as you do this.
5. Be proud of yourself. Yep, give yourself a pat on the back. You are stronger than you know. You got this. As Mae West once said,”I never loved another person the way I loved myself.” Give yourself some gentle reassurance that you will get through this difficult time in your life and you’ll do it with courage and determination to make your new life the best it can be.
I believe in you, Sweet Pea! Happy Holidays!
Have you ever had this happen before? You think it’s bad enough that HE’S no longer in your life. Then you get the added slap in the face that his family suddenly doesn’t want anything to do with you, either.
Forget all the holidays you’ve shared, all the laughs ~ even the big life moments like weddings, children being born, 1st birthday parties, etc.
What about those shopping trips with his sisters? Going out for lunch? Calling his mom for cooking advice?
How could this be happening? What did he tell them? Why are they all unfriending me on Facebook? What did I do?
Just when you think it couldn’t get any worse, it goes and does.
Yes, it’s painful. You don’t understand it. I adds another layer of uncertainty and ick value to this whole breakup/divorce thing you’ve got going on already. Your mind can run wild with different reasons and possible scenarios that led to this outcome. Enough already!
So what do you do in this situation?
The way I see it, you’ve got two choices, My Darling.
1) Take it personally. This choice is very popular. However, it usually leads straight to a pity party of epic proportions. Why me? Am I THAT bad of a person? In their mind, of course, their son, brother, nephew, etc. can do no wrong! It must be all my fault! How could they think that?
Also, this choice CANNOT lead to a higher self-esteem for you, Gorgeous! It only leads to more self-doubt and possibly some good old-fashioned self-loathing. Is this your idea of a fun Friday night? No way!
2) Let it go. This choice can be a bit tough. After all, your thoughts keep returning to the hurt that this causes and what it says about YOU. However, if you think about it, it says more about THEM…right?
Also, who knows why they’re doing it? Not you. Maybe your ex specifically asked or even forbade them from communicating with you. Maybe they think what they’re doing shows their family loyalty and therefore, it’s the right thing to do.
Maybe they feel so bad about the situation that they don’t know what to say. Then it becomes easier for them to say nothing ~ especially if it’s uncomfortable for them. Maybe they know that their son, brother, etc. was kind of a jerk and so that’s embarrassing too. They can’t deal.
Are any of the above situations really about YOU at all? Nope.
So why would you waste your precious energy worrying yourself about it, My Fabulous Angel?
Yes, it hurts. There’s no getting around the fact that you’ll need to grieve the loss of these relationships. It’s gotta happen. If it makes you feel any better, lots of sassy ladies have done it before you and ended up ~ what ~ completely okay with it.
That’s the thing about our lives ~ people move in and out. Sometimes, they’re with us for it all. Sometimes, just for a split second. As the saying goes, “When someone walks out of your life, let them. They are just making room for someone better to walk in.”
I know what you’re thinking already ~ How could I POSSIBLY forgive him for what he’s done? For all the pain he’s caused me? For abandoning me and our future? NOT gonna happen!
Now, don’t get me wrong. Most people feel like forgiving someone means that you’re somehow suggesting what they did was okay. That IS part of it. However, the reason I’m bringing this up is to help YOU. As John Green says, ”The only way out of the labyrinth of suffering is to forgive.”
You see, forgiving someone actually helps you in a multitude of different ways. First, it alleviates some stress. You feel lighter. You feel happier. You feel empowered.
Second, it helps with the energy drain that we typically suffer from while coping with a divorce/breakup. As we begin to forgive, the negative thoughts of him and the relationship start to fall away. We bring that energy back to ourselves and our lives and it helps us focus on the future and what really matters. Yay! Bonus!
Third, your confidence and strength is boosted through forgiveness. Have you heard the saying, “It takes a big person to forgive”? I think it’s our innate desire to forgive those that have wronged us. It does take some gumption and your self-esteem gets the benefit. You feel good!
Forgiveness truly is giving up the wish that things could be different. Yes, do you perhaps wish you had married someone else? Do you wish you would have left two years ago instead of letting it drag on? Sure.
However, no one can change the past. What happened ~ happened.
The question then becomes, My Sassy Darling: What are you going to do with it? Will you let it affect your precious present moment? Will you let it affect your future? Are you going to hang on to the past with both hands? OR release it with a gentle smile?
I know it can be tough and it IS a process. It’s simple to think, “Oh, I forgave so-and-so.” However, when it comes right down to it, you still feel ugly feelings and harbor a grudge. That’s natural. That’s why this is a process. It chips away at the hurt and negativity. You feel better each time you do it.
Here are a few tips on starting the forgiveness process:
1. Find a peaceful spot where you won’t be interrupted.
2. You can either write it out or say it out loud. It’s important to either write it OR verbalize it rather than just thinking it.
3. So you start out with, “I understand that ____________.” Go on and on until you get it all out.
For example: I understand he wasn’t faithful to me. I understand it wasn’t my fault. I understand he left his dirty underwear all over the bedroom floor. (*Smile*) I understand that he is selfish. I understand that he hurt me. I understand that he did this and this. Just lay it all out there.
4. When you get to the end of the list, then say or write, “_________ (insert name), I understand all of these things and I forgive you.”
5. Slowly exhale and feel the release.
At first, it may be difficult to wrap your head around this exercise. It seems like you’re giving him a free pass for breaking your heart.
Actually, you’re giving yourself a gift. Remember that, Sweet Pea.
This is also helpful if you want to forgive yourself for something or for anyone in your life you’d like to forgive such as parents, friends, the guy that cut you off in traffic, etc.
So just remember: There’s no right or wrong way to forgive. There’s no time limit and no rules. It’s simply a great way for you to move on with your fabulous amazing future!
Sometimes, it happens. You divorce or breakup and realize there are still feelings there for your ex.
Of course, this is natural. Some of us will always feel a certain love or affection for our former spouse or lover. This week, I answer Sharon’s question about being in that space for 18 years.
The 3 main tips I share with her are:
1. Accept that you may never have the closure you desire. Lean into that feeling and get on with your life, Sassy Pants!
2. Play a game with yourself in which you remove the possibility for a future relationship with your ex. How would you spend your days, weeks, months differently? Now go do that!
3. Realize that you deserve more. Begin to take off your “rose-colored glasses” and see him and the relationship in a different light.
Starting out the new year with a positive attitude is super important, Dearie! Please watch the video above and I’ll lead you through the quick and easy 3-step process of choosing your annual theme word.
It’s totally fun and doable and you deserve the best this year! Do it for you!
As you approach your first holiday season solo, does it seem like every jeweler in America is out to get you? You know what I mean. All those commercials where a beautiful but breathless woman warmly embraces her handsome man after finding a 45-carat diamond necklace in the glove box of her brand new giant-bow-adorned car. Ugh! Sometimes, the thought of spending time alone during the holidays made me feel like the world’s biggest Scrooge. But…I had a choice to make: Either I could be a victim of the season or I could kick holiday butt. Instead of being defeated by my new status as a single gal, here’s how the latter option worked out for me:
I had a schedule. This is very important. If you don’t have a schedule, you can get caught up in woe-is-me time. My family celebrates on Christmas Eve. My first Christmas alone, I had the ENTIRE day on Christmas all to myself. Something that I really wasn’t looking forward to. After all, I couldn’t stroll the aisles of the book store for a couple hours just to get my mind off things. I couldn’t order in my favorite Chinese food or even do a Taco Bell run. Unless I wanted to hang at my neighborhood Walgreen’s (which IS open 365 days a year and would be sign of true desperation), I would have to be home…by myself…for hours…and hours…and hours. I made up my mind that I would try to make it as fun as I could and do everything that I loved.
Several days before Christmas, I chose a recipe that I’d been meaning to try and shopped for all the groceries needed to make it. I also bought myself a couple cool gifts that I really wanted and wrapped them. Yes, you read it right. I WRAPPED MY OWN PRESENTS. I am not ashamed to say that even if you think I’m a little crazy because I had the best time opening them up on Christmas morning. No joke. Afterwards, I made myself some Pillsbury cinnamon rolls. Easy enough. I lounged about, took a nice long bath and gave myself a manicure. I also watched “A Christmas Story” and “Grumpier Old Men” a couple times a piece. Around 6 p.m., I opened a bottle of wine and sipped it as I made myself a fabulous pasta dinner. It was a bit strange to sit down to a table alone (as my young daughter was with her father) but I did it. Then I relaxed some more and read the book that I gave myself. As I snuggled into bed that night and reflected on the day that I had been dreading, I thought to myself, “Wow. It wasn’t that bad.”
I’m convinced that having a plan and scheduling my day and being prepared really saved me. That’s what I want for you. Your holiday to-do list looks like this, my Dear:
1. Chose your activities for the day. Whether you’ve got a few hours alone or a few days, what would make you feel great? Or at least good? Do that. Figure out your morning, afternoon and evening and stick to it.
2. Prepare yourself. In other words, if you need groceries to make something delicious, go get ‘em! If you need some sensational gifts under your tree, get shopping! Also, be generous with yourself and get things you normally would never consider ~ splurge a little!
3. Relax and enjoy! Even if you have some moments of sadness creep up, allow them to be there. Give yourself a break because it’s totally natural. However, don’t let them be the boss of you. Say to yourself, “Okay. I’ll have this feeling for 5 minutes and then your time is up!” Then have your time and let it go and get back to the business of cherishing you.
My hope for you is that this holiday season is an opportunity to be gentle with yourself and boost your confidence by spending time alone and doing it with style! Do it for you.
Happy Holidays, Gorgeous! Now go kick some holiday butt!
It sounds kind of hard at first, doesn’t it? I mean who wants to be grateful during a breakup? How DO you get over a divorce breakup and be appreciative all at the same time? It can be done. It will brighten your day and you deserve a brighter day, right, Dearie?
Here’s a few easy steps to take:
1. Be thankful that you’re no longer in the relationship. You might be thinking ~ What? My heart is broken. I’m NOT thankful for that. You’re crazy! I get it. However, if you think about it for a moment, even if you miss him, there are definitely things about him and maybe some of his annoying habits that you’re grateful you won’t ever have to endure again. Piles of dirty clothes on the bedroom floor? Never again. Chewing with his mouth open? Huh-uh. Never again. Whatever it happens to be, there ARE some things that you WON’T miss.
2. Be thankful for something you’ve learned from the relationship. Maybe you’ve learned that you’re a lot stronger than you thought you were. Maybe you’ve learned that you want to be with someone with certain personality traits that your ex didn’t have. Is there a new hobby you’d like to try? If you look back at the relationship as only a waste of your time, then you’re missing out on the valuable life lessons it has to offer. If what you take from the end of a relationship helps your future, then you didn’t waste a single second of your life.
3. Be thankful for the loving people around you. Typically, we’ve all got a cheering section during a breakup. Sometimes, it’s a few friends that have been with you through thick and thin. Other times, you’ve got a great family connection with lots of support. If you’re lucky, it’s both. Take a moment to think of these awesome people and feel gratitude for their presence in your life. After all, isn’t life a whole lot more fun with them in it?
4. Be thankful for all the “things” you have around you. This step is pretty cool if you allow it to be unlimited. This means you can be thankful for everything from your comfy warm bed to the new boots you just bought that you love to the pretty little bird outside your window that stops by for just a second. Look around for a minute, find things to be grateful for and improve your mood. It’s that simple!
5. Be thankful for your kick-butt self! Yes ~ YOU! Come on…admit it…you’re pretty special. You rock. You’ve got a stunning future ahead of you. You are powerful. We all know you’re beautiful. Take a moment to be grateful for YOU. If you get a chance to peek in the mirror, do some mirror work. Gaze into your eyes and tell yourself ~ I love you! What’s your best feature? Admire it. Own it. Work it! You, my friend, are splendid!
Traci Vincent, a yoga instructor/blogger, writes about appreciation, “These small pulses of gratitude and thankfulness start my day off in a positive direction. The more I’ve practiced this throughout the day when I think about it, the more “muscle” I’ve built in my positive mind. This has thereby increased my reserve of positive emotions and helped me become more resistant to negative emotions.”
Having a thankful heart while getting over a breakup is a perfect way to take stock of all the good in your life. Sometimes, it’s easy to overlook this good when heartbreak takes over. This Thanksgiving, set aside some time to revel in appreciation!
I am grateful that you have taken the time to read this blog post. It is truly a blessing to be able to pass on information and knowledge that I have discovered along my journey. Happy Thanksgiving and many blessings to you and your loved ones.