So…you’re dealing with a breakup. Yes, it stinks. You’ re not enjoying life right now. I get it. This article covers whining. The Merriam-Webster Dictionary defines whining as “to complain with or as if with a whine.” When someone is known as a whiner, let’s face it…it’s not a compliment. Some people take offense to the term but whining really is simply complaining. Do you know where complaining gets you? Do you think it makes you feel better? In the long run, does it make your dreams come true? Do people race to be in the presence of a whiner? Admit it. You’ve known someone in your life who complained all the time. I bet you couldn’t get away from them fast enough.
But it’s a cycle that’s easy to get stuck in when you’re newly single. I know someone who was years past her divorce and guess what? She was STILL complaining about things her ex-husband had done while they were married. She continued to struggle with it daily. I understood her, though, because I was a complainer too. I complained about EVERYTHING for a while. It seemed that there was something wrong with every part of my life. With all that whining going on, do you think I had time for talking and thinking about the goodness in my life? Did I shine the spotlight on that? No. It wasn’t until I realized that the more I complained ~ the more things I had to complain about, that I made a change.
I read Wayne Dyer’s book called The Power of Intention. This quote really struck me ~ When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change. Could I really change things just by changing my thoughts about them? You bet! It’s amazing to me that once I started looking at the “sunny side” of life ~ my life transformed.
The following are a few tips for changing the way you look at things:
1. Focus on what’s good in your life. Even if you’re having the worst day and you are completely broken hearted, there’s still good things going on. Like, you’re alive, for one. You have friends and family who care about you. You have a roof over your head. Sometimes, when it feels like everything is going wrong, just being grateful for the basics is all you can do. That’s fine. Take some time each day to search for the good in your life and give thanks for it.
2. Promise yourself that for one full day ~ you won’t complain. Boy, can this one be tough. If you catch yourself launching into complaints about HIM or the traffic or your boss or your finances ~ whatever it is ~ just stop in mid sentence. Give yourself and everyone around you a break from the negative energy whining produces. I guarantee that you’ll feel proud of yourself and a little lighter because you’re not dragging yourself down with complaints.
3. Laugh more; whine less. It is true that when we’re smiling or laughing it’s really difficult to be unhappy. Therefore, do things that you know will make you feel good. Don’t you know someone that cracks you up every time you’re around them? It’s my brother for me. It’s honestly impossible to be around him and feel bad. He’s always been the family clown. I’ve got a few friends like that too. If you’ve got someone like that in your life, hang out with them more often. Or watch a funny movie or TV show. Bring more reasons to smile and laugh into your life and you’ll feel better sooner than you think.
4. Get over yourself. I know that sounds kind of harsh but I wish someone would have told me this when I was stuck in my whining pattern. I really didn’t have it that bad. After all, if I was honest, I wasn’t really all that happy in my marriage that had just ended. Yes. I was dealing with difficult emotions and I wasn’t sure what the future held. I could own that. But…did I want to focus on what I had lost? Could I begin to focus on the fresh start that the future promised? That sounded a lot better than remaining down in dumpsville forever.
So…I challenge you to begin talking and thinking about all the fabulousity you’ve got going on, Gorgeous! You get to start down a new path to a new you and make your life better than ever!
As promised in my last blog, I’m going to give you tips on finding out who YOU are after a breakup. Whether you’re dealing with a divorce or breakup, the moment you realize how much of yourself you’ve lost in the relationship can be eye-opening and devastating all at once. Maybe you gave up some friendships in order to make time for him and his friends. Maybe you took an interest in his hobbies and forgot about your own. Maybe you spent a lot of time being in his life ~ while he spent little in yours. Sound familiar?
It does to me because that’s exactly what I did. Instead of keeping some interests and friends “mine,” I morphed into his world and lost my own. So it was a double whammy when our relationship was over because he took his world with him. I was left…alone and confused.
So what did I do? After deciding that QVC wasn’t such a good boyfriend (see my last blog for that story), I decided to be my own buddy. I decided to seek some adventure. I remember being in the restroom of a restaurant and seeing a flyer for a foosball league. I had played foosball a lot as a kid because my parents had a table in our basement. I had earned the title “Goddess of Foosball” in the house and I reigned supreme for years. So when I saw that flyer, this was my thought process:
“I was pretty good at foosball as a kid. Maybe I should consider it.”
“What if I stink? What if I make a fool out of myself? Can I do this alone? Eeeeek!”
“But what if it’s kind of fun?”
The league matches were on Mondays and it just so happened that my daughter was with her dad every Monday so I’d actually be free. There went that excuse. You see, sometimes, when we’re contemplating trying something new, it can make us uncomfortable. That’s when the “excuse monster” comes out and tries to keep you from exploring new things. How do you keep him at bay? Read on.
A few weeks later, as I parked in front of the bar/restaurant where the first informational league meeting was being held, I sat there…frozen. I didn’t know a soul inside. I called my friend, Diane, and said, “I don’t think I can do this.” She told me to get my butt in there as I didn’t have anything to lose. So much for subtlety!! So I did it. I walked in and felt immediately like an outsider. I went up to the organizer and told him that I wasn’t part of a team and that I didn’t know anyone but that I’d be sitting in back. I also asked him not to shine any attention on me and my situation. Sure enough, at the end of his instructions, he piped up and said, “Oh, by the way, Laura is in the back and she has no team and she knows no one.” What? Really? Talk about worst nightmare becoming a reality. However, a kind gentleman named Murry had no partner, either. We formed a team and there began my immersion into the foosball sub-culture. I had no idea that there are actually professional foosball players and that the game is much more technical than I ever imagined so let’s just say it…I sucked.
However, on the flip side, I was sooooo proud of myself. I had done this for me. I felt alive. It took courage and I had it!! I also met some wonderful people and truly enjoyed every Monday night for the 6 1/2 months the league played. It was so fun!
If you try something new, I can guarantee two things will happen:
1. You will gain confidence. It took some major guts for me to walk in that door to join the league that day. What is something you could do that would take guts? Think about that. What are you interested in trying? Once you take the plunge and do it, you will feel different inside. YOU will be honoring you. There will be a little spring in your step that wasn’t there before. Why? Because you, my dear, are taking care of you and fulfilling your own life’s desires! Go for it! Stand tall and proud!
2. You will have more fun than you think, I promise. There are lots of pluses to a new experience. Typically, you get to meet some new people. Expanding your social circle is always good when you’re going through a difficult time. Oftentimes, it takes your mind off you and your situation. In addition, as I pointed out, you have a blast! Once that initial ~ oh my god! I’m doing this and it’s kinda scary ~ wears off, you will find yourself enjoying yourself immensely!
So what is something you want to try, say, in the next month? Could you commit to trying just one new thing before April 15? I think so. I hope so. After all, you’re worth it, Baby!
As I’m sure you can guess by the title of this blog, it has to do with shame and looking for love in all the wrong places. What? The title didn’t give that away?
Well, let me explain it further as a lesson of what NOT to do when you’re going through a breakup or any rough time for that matter.
DON’T SUBSTITUTE. That’s what I was doing. I was using QVC. Of course, they didn’t mind it one bit. They were happy to be my new love. I got a bit of a rush as I dialed the 800 number to place my order. Sometimes, there was adrenaline pumping through my veins as I realized that they were almost sold out of my size – Hurry! Hurry! Dial faster! Whew! I am SO lucky that I secured my seventh gray sweater! Okay. So I’m being funny here but there was another rush when the UPS guy (who I knew better than some of my relatives) would drop off a package for me. It was even better if I forgot what I ordered so the contents of my package were a complete surprise! Wow! However, I’d run up to my bedroom, try it on and…nothing. I’m not saying they don’t have nice things on QVC, but I was typically disappointed. Back it went. Back I went to the TV for my next fix.
It’s no surprise that I didn’t have a lot of excitement going on in my life at the time. I was bored. I felt unloved. I felt like I “deserved” these things after what I’d been through. But what could a Diamonique necklace really do for my life? Could it entertain me with stimulating conversation? No. Could we share a joke and laugh until we cried? No. Would it buy me a margarita? No. I was trying to find excitement and adventure through material things but it was a fleeting hope. As my Visa card was barely speaking to me, I became aware that I needed to start building a life – my own life.
How freakin’ (excuse this word but it really is necessary in this sentence) scary was that? Yeah. Really scary. Have you ever substituted one thing for another in your life? I had substituted QVC for finding some adventure on my own. That’s the funny thing about adventure ~ it doesn’t come searching for you. You have to go out and get it.
I started to think about what I liked to do. Hmmmm. That lead to a bigger question: WHO am I? What do I stand for? Whoa. It was at that moment that I contemplated just how much of myself I had surrendered in my previous relationship.
If this sounds like you, then I’d ask you to consider a few questions:
What did you enjoy pursuing when you were single?
Is there an activity that puts a smile on your face just thinking about it? When was the last time you did that?
Is there an adventure you’ve always dreamed of undertaking but shied away from actually doing?
Name 3 personality traits you embody that you’re proud of such as smart, honest, generous, gorgeous, etc. ~ you get the picture.
In the next blog, I’m going to share how I started to find out who I was. It’s definitely not what you’re expecting. I’ll also share some tips on how you can begin down your own path to finding out who you are and loving every minute of it!