Since your breakup, are you calling everyone you know and recounting the story over and over and over about how he did that or he said this or can you believe what he’s up to now? Let me ask you another question then: What about YOU?
You see, I fell into that trap too. HE was awful. HE was an idiot. HE…HE…HE. Like a broken record, I went on and on and on and on about HIM. Do you see a pattern here? Right. I was all about him.
I could have went on like that for a long, long time. I could have given him and his actions all that energy and attention. But I realized something. If I was giving HIM all my attention, who was paying attention to me? Guess what? Nobody. He wasn’t out there talking about me non-stop and letting what I did bug the crap out of him. No, ma’am. He was busy getting on with his life. A life he appeared to enjoy without me. Double bummer.
Once I realized what I was doing, things began to change. I felt more responsible for me and my life. I didn’t want him to have the ability to control me or my thoughts even though we were over. I was giving him way too much real estate in my head — and it was all free! I couldn’t believe that I was so willing to spend my energy on him instead of thinking of me first. Yikes! I didn’t want to do that. HE wasn’t thinking of me and complaining to all his friends about ME.
Consider the following quote: “When you hold resentment toward another, you are bound to that person or condition by an emotional link that is stronger than steel.” ~ Catherine Ponder
Decide if you want to continue the emotional link to him OR if you’d like to take control.
I must warn you that sometimes letting go of resentment means making things easier on him. What do I mean? If you’re going through a divorce, be the bigger person. Let the little things go. It’s called being good to yourself ~ being gentle with you. That’s what feels good. It might mean giving in sometimes when you don’t have to. You could shred all the clothes he left at your house ~ but will you really feel better afterwards? You could sell his limited-edition Star Wars DVD box set on Ebay, but why not go shopping and buy yourself a new outfit that you look dynamite in? That sounds like way more fun to me!
Resentment takes a lot of energy. Why not take it back? Be selfish with your energy. Once I started being good to me and putting myself first, it felt great to let him be him and just go with the flow. Of course, I still fantasized about him getting a raging STD from his skanky girlfriend. I just decided that he wasn’t worth my time or energy anymore. I was worth it, Baby ~ and so are you!
Imagine This: You’re in dreamland. Zzzzzzzzzz. Blissful. Unaware. Major REM activity going on.
Suddenly, the alarm goes off. You tap the snooze button. You’re a bit groggy.
THEN IT HITS YOU LIKE A FREIGHT TRAIN — OUCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! MY HEART IS BROKEN!
I used to loathe going to sleep during a breakup because it meant I had to wake up and there’d be that little moment in between sleep and reality where I had forgotten all my pain. Where there was no pain. And then reality would slap me in the face. Damn, I hated it.
Unfortunately, there is no way to get around this moment unless, of course, you want to set the Guinness world record for Most Hours a Human Being Has Stayed Awake. While this title is impressive, it’s not worth the bags you’ll have under your eyes. You will wake up. You will have to face your day. It’s at this moment you have a choice.
I recommend you either:
A) Smile. This sounds hard when you’re sad. If you force yourself to smile (yes, physically smile) first thing in the morning, you will feel a teenie tiny bit better. Try it. It’s almost impossible to smile and feel bad at the same time.
B) Pretend your pillow is his face and give it a good swat. Yes, this suggestion contains violent tendencies but if you get it out of your system first thing, I bet you can go back to Step A and really mean it. Sometimes, once isn’t enough. Don’t feel bad if you need to repeat this step a few times. Go ahead. No one’s watching.
C) Close your eyes and assign him an animal spirit guide. Some of the first things that come to mind are the ever-popular pig or dog or ass. You could be really creative and make him a stink bug, goat or one of those monkeys with big red butts. Think of the animal. Picture his face. Merge the two. Ta-Da! How unattractive is that? Ewwwww!
D) Close your eyes and contemplate and plan your day and see yourself going through your day as the strong fabulous woman you are. Imagine you ~ walking tall and proud. You strut right by the vending machine at work without giving that Snickers bar a second thought. You laugh more. You OWN your day. You make it what YOU want it to be.
It goes without saying that it’s really important to take care of YOU during this time. Typically, the way you start your day influences the hours that follow. Why not start it out from a happy place? It’s your choice. Since we all know you’re amazing, it’s a pretty good bet that sensational days are ahead!
You may not believe me when I say this but this feeling does get better with time. Pretty soon, it will be 30 seconds before reality hits you. Then a minute. Then 5 minutes. Then longer. Until then, I hope these suggestions help, You Fabulous Doll!
Are you scared to be alone? First of all, let me say that it’s so natural for you to have these feelings. I remember that just the thought of having a Friday night with no plans terrified me – not to mention actually enduring it. What happens is this: Your mind stops being busy with activity – activity – activity! You then have some space to remember and feel that your heart is broken. It’s uncomfortable. It hurts. Therefore, in order to escape the pain, you do another activity – activity – activity! You keep yourself so preoccupied because you’re afraid of your feelings. Well, I’ve got news for you. You won’t be able to run away and eventually, they’ll find you.
It could be six months from now when you’re at the grocery store and you can’t find your favorite brand of lima beans and ~ whoosh! ~ there they are and you’re sobbing in front of the stock boy. Or it could be three months from now when you’re on a date with someone else and realize that your ex would never pick his teeth with a straw like this guy sitting across from you ~ whoosh! ~ you find yourself tearing up and passing it off on the onions in your dish. You see a pattern here? They will find a way to get you ~ if you don’t get them first!
So here are some tricks for spending time alone:
1. Find a movie that you have on DVD and love. My personal favorite is Grumpier Old Men. It’s hysterical. I can’t watch it and be sad. Find a movie like that for yourself. Even if you’re not going to be in the same room as the TV, just have it on in the background. You’ll find yourself listening to it and chuckling.
2. Get a great book or magazine ~ something uplifting and fun. Read it while your movie is in the background.
3. Order in some great food or make yourself a dish you love. Enjoy it. Really. I should probably point out that a quart of marshmallow fudge ice cream does not constitute a meal.
4. Write a little journal entry about all the things in your life you’re grateful for. I know this sounds cheesy but it’s great to focus on all you have going for you ~ even with a broken heart.
5. Breathe. If you sense that you’re starting to feel sad, take a deep breath. Give yourself a time limit. Say, “Okay. I’m going to let myself feel sad for 10 minutes. After that, I’m going to finish this magazine.” It’s really important here to stick to the time limit. You don’t want the entire night turning into a downward spiral. You are strong. You can get through 10 minutes of sadness but then change your focus right away.
If the thought of being ALONE really freaks you out, you could:
1. Go to a bookstore and buy the aforementioned good book or magazine. Sometimes, just getting out among people makes you feel better. The employees at the bookstore in my neighborhood were my Friday night buddies for quite a while. I did feel better, though, getting out for a bit.
2. Go to a coffee shop to read the aforementioned good book or magazine. Again, getting out in any form can lift your spirits.
I know that it may sound unbelievable to you now but I believe that someday you will be comfortable alone. You will be peaceful and calm and happy by yourself. I got to the point where I really craved alone time. It felt weird at first because I had gone out of my way to avoid it. However, I soon became my own best friend. I got myself through the tough times. I trusted myself to do it again.
I hope this helps! Shine on!
If you like this, you’ll love Laura’s FREE 5 Steps to Getting Your Groovy Back audio minicourse. In it, you’ll learn how to boost your mood throughout the day, how to deal with difficult emotions and remain sassy, why resentment depletes your strength and lots more. Fill out the form to the right and get it now!